Saturday, March 7, 2009

My Week From Hell.

Monday was the night for my support group (young adults with aspergers), and I decided to go. I hadn't been going because I wasn't feeling comfortable speaking about my issues with the other adults. I felt like I didn't quite "fit." Anyway, the major reason why I went was because back in January the Speech-Language Pathologist that runs the support group had asked me, David, and Ash to come and speak at the ASA (Autism Society of America). She wanted us to tell our story, what it was like growing up with aspergers, etc. I didn't prepare for it, because I didn't really know what we were doing. So I left early so that I could speak with the SLP (let me remind you, she has been a friend of my family since I was 8). She just told me to tell them what it was like growing up, my difficulties, and then to answer their questions. I told her to have David go first, since I wasn't prepared. During group I felt like I was going to burst, but it was a very weird feeling. Kind of like, you know something is going to happen, but aren't quite sure what it is (if that makes sense).

So, after group we drive down to the hospital where the meeting was being held, and waited for the parents to arrive. I remember the feeling getting stronger and stronger, but I tried hard to fight it off. David did an excellent job telling his story, and answering their questions (amongst 30 people). I thought to myself, this will be a piece of cake. So, it was then my turn. I started speaking, but I realized I had NO IDEA what to even say. A lot of my difficulties were associated with how I was treated by my parents, so I tried to wing it the best I could w/o having to say anything about the abuse my parents placed upon me. I remember thinking, "Oh my god, I don't belong here." You could tell I hadn't prepared, and I was a bit all over the place. I then came up to around the time I was 18; then all of a sudden, without me even thinking about it, I said, "I became pregnant." I immediately after I said those three words I began balling. I then said, "I had no support, none, and I was forced into placing my son up for adoption." I continued crying, and then said, "It's absolutely devastating that my parents couldn't support me parenting, but they were more than willing to raise him as their own." Cried some more, and then said, "Always, always, support you kids, no matter what the circumstance is, then need your guidance and support." Then I cleaned myself up and tucked my feelings back into my little container and sealed the lid. However, I felt like there was an earthquake about to take place inside my body.

I was able to stay longer after I spoke to answer some questions the parents had. The SLP told me she was getting ready to leave, but I had wanted to say a little longer to answer more questions. I asked if I could call her when I was done, so she gave me her number and left. As I was sitting there I looked around me. David had his parents with him, as well as Ash. I continued to observe and listen to their parents speak about the troubles they had with their kids, and how willing they were/are to do anything to help them in this world. Then there I was, alone. I didn't have any of that. I truly felt like I didn't belong there. So around 8:30pm I told everyone I was getting ready to leave, and took off. As soon as I got in my car I called the SLP. As soon as she picked up I started balling uncontrollably. I felt ashamed, humiliated that I had cried and messed up my speech. I then started going off about the adoption, and why my parents were the way they were. I drove home with tears streaming down my face... I mean... I was really feeling. I was feeling. I finally got home, and realized how late it was- so I let her go. I then locked myself in the bathroom, and cried. Hard. I just felt like, I have to talk to someone, which is very unusual for me. I normally am able to bottle it up and be well on my way. I just couldn't. So, I text Joes to see if she was up, because I knew Jacemom would be out. Lucky enough Joes was still up (even though it was VERY late her time), and called me. I don't even know how long we talked for, but I do remember crying most of the time.

After I let Joes go, around midnight my time (so REALLY late her time), I called my psychologists office and said that I needed to get it Tuesday ASAP. I then tried to fall asleep, but failed. I was in and out most of the night. I then woke up at 5am, and couldn't go back to sleep. In my mind, I was freaking out. Absolutely freaking out! I imagined cutting myself to feel; I imagined freaking out- by throwing things everywhere, screaming, etc; Then, a memory of mine came up from when I was 5 years old. Something I completely blocked out for the last 16 years. I was sexually molested by my babysitter. I couldn't get it out of my head, it was so weird. Around 8am I get out of bed and crawled into the bath tub. I then get a call from my psychologist office and they got me in at 12pm. I went in, and broke. I told him how ashamed I felt about what happened the other night, and I told him about the memory that popped up. I just sat there and cried. I cried so hard that I gave myself a panic attack, and I couldn't breathe. The SLP came in and they both had to calm me down. I was feeling... all these horrible, horrible things. I didn't realize that I hadn't been feeling anything in so long. The only thing I felt/feel is the love for my child. So, he walks me over to the psychiatrist office to get me on meds to help me out, but they can't get me in until the end of the month. Great. So, he told me to go to the front desk and to make an appointment for everyday this week; so I did.

Everything has been coming out this week. Everything from my past that I have bottled up came pouring out. I haven't cried so much in my entire life.

Wednesday night, I moved in with my mom's friend, and you'll never believe what she is! An ADOPTEE! As soon as we unloaded all of my junk we crawled into her bed and started talking. I have known her since I was born, and she has been like a second mother to me. So we're talking, and then she asks me, "If you don't' mind me asking, what made you decide to place Evan up for adoption? You're mother told me that it was because you were so disconnected and that you couldn't connect with him. She mentioned that you had said that you had such a wonderful upbringing, and the best childhood, and that you knew Evan would be safe and well taken care of by them."

My jaw dropped to the floor. I couldn't believe it. I told her, "no!!!!" She said, "I knew it. I knew that wasn't true."

I told her the truth. I told her how absolutely in love I was with my baby, and how I was EXTREMELY connected AND attached to him. I told her everything about being pressured into adoption, about my mom not letting me move in, and how she made me live in these really run down low-income apartments, AND how she always acted like I was a burden on her. I told her I never felt wanted by them. The only reason why she had me move back in with them was because I was put on bed rest, and my dad didn't want me living with him. I told her how badly she treated me up until I asked them to adopt Evan.

She was shocked. She told me that my mom had told her the complete opposite. She told her how much they supported me, and how they were going to help me raise him, yada, yada, yada.

NO! NO! I told her I had asked repeatedly to live with her so that I could save money for things for the baby. She told me no. I also asked if I could live with them until I got back up on my feet after the baby was born. They told me no, and that they would think about letting us stay for a week. Then after the adoption took place, I also mentioned how 4 days after my son was born she was forcing me to go find a job... even though I had one lined up. I also told her after 4 weeks, they kicked me out of the house, and left me alone in an empty apartment. I basically told her EVERYTHING. I was crying through the whole thing of course.

She was so amazingly supportive. I'm so happy I'm living with her. I immediately bonded with her. I almost want to call her mom. She then told me her story. She has the most amazing parents (I've met them). They consider me one of their grand kids. They are really amazing people. She told me about how she met her birth family, and her birth mom's story. My stomach turned when she told me. She was 17 when she got pregnant, and her parents told her they had ruined their family name, and that if she kept this baby he would be a bastard. You know... the typical things that were said to these poor women. She was sent to a maternity home in Oregon, where she had K*****. She didn't want to lose her daughter. She tried really hard to keep her, but the social workers had their way with her. After that, she went spiraling down, and got into a lot of trouble... I mean A LOT of trouble. Her family completely disowned her. They wanted nothing to do with her. So, she ended up moving to CA, and getting pregnant again. Her fiancé was then killed. So she went back to her parents, and her parents closed the door in her face. I think she was 20. Why, because the baby would be a mix of white, and African America. So, her fiancé's family took her and her son in. She moved to the east coast, where she still lives today. She didn't even know about her parents dying until she reunited with K*****. She is now getting back on her feet. She's in school trying to become some sort of tech. I remember meeting her when I was very little when they first reunited. I must have been either six or seven, but I don't really remember. I can't wait to meet her.

Anyway, as I was driving early this morning to my appointment I wanted to call my mom SO FREAKING BAD to just let her have it. DISCONNECTED FROM MY BABY?! Are you f****** kidding me? I did EVERTHING to protect my son, plus I read to him every night. I was ALWAYS talking or singing to him. I just felt absolutely awful. So I get there, and I'm the only one waiting. I overheard the receptionist speaking with my doctor. I overhead the receptionists say that he was sick, and her saying that I was already there. I was like, "oh my god, please, please I have to talk to him." She then came out and told me that he was pretty sick, but was coming in to see me. He thought I was coming in at 9am, instead of 8am. I told her to call him back, and tell him to get back in bed. She said, no, that he felt it was important that he were to see me. He canceled out the rest of his day, and came in to see me. I couldn't' believe it. For the first time, I felt like someone cared. So, I told him about my mother, and again, broke down. I had also learned that when my little sister was living with us, that my step dad and my mom were fighting about my sister. She hated my step dad and terrorized him a lot. I mean, she was ten. She was devasted about what was happening. Everything happened so fast. Only after 4 months after my dad moved out, he moved in. I just kept it inside, but my sister is never the one to do that. My step-dad had told me mom that it was either him or us (kids). Well, she chose him, and kicked my sister out. She couldn't kick me out, because my dad didn't want me. I told him that too. I immediately felt guilt. Guilt for not being there for my little sister, and guilt for having them raise my son. I immediately became so incredibly sick to my stomach. They are raising my son and my baby sister. I told my DR, "I have to get better, I have to finish school, because these kids are going to need me. I have to get them back. I can't just take Evan, I have to get both of them."

My mom is a sick, disgusting person. I absolutely hate her. I have had to have K***** watch my phone, because I swear to god if my mom calls me, I'm going to let her have it. I can't even imagine having her touch me, that's how disgusted I am.

I absolutely hate this. I have felt so sick to my stomach all week. I feel like I have an incision from my heart all the way down to my belly, and everything is pouring out of me. There are days I have felt so incredibly numb, that I just want to hurt myself so that I can feel. I have shared this with both my DR and K*****. My DR doesn't want to send me to the hospital because there they'll make me talk about it all the time and he fears (as well as me) that it'll make it worse. So, I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy. K***** and I have a lot of plans to keep my mind off of things.

This is all just devastating. I don't want to feel anymore... but I can't bottle it up anymore. It's almost as if it's too full and it can't take anymore. So, I've been letting it pour out. It's so incredibly hard. My dad and my sisters have been calling me all week, but I've been ignoring them. I can't talk to them. I just can't.
I don't know what to do. I'm so scared for my son and my baby sister. I did exactly what my mom did to my sister. She let her go. She let her go to someone (my dad), that she knew would abuse her. I can't believe myself. How could I have been so stupid?

I can't stop crying.

No comments:

Post a Comment