Saturday, March 7, 2009

Voicemail from Dad- Convo w/Mom

So my dad called me twice yesterday- of course I ignored them. In his first voicemail he said, "Hi Anna, just calling to see how you're doing, if you're doing better. I... I don't know what's going on... I don't understand why you're so angry. If it has to do with stuff from the past you need to let it go. It's already been dealt with- so let it go. Don't worry about coming tomorrow to look at dresses for the wedding, but your sister will not be coming up to stay with you (he had told my sister that she can't be around me until I get my shit together- she's 17). He went on a little longer..

Then in his second voicemail he said, "Anna, you need to be thinking about your son. You are his mother, and what you are doing to your mom is going to hurt your relationship with your son. Do you want that? You're mom called me very upset today. You really hurt her. Pushing people away because you're angry isn't healthy, and isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to be thinking about your son, you are his mother, don't do this to him."

AH!! After that second voicemail I was so pissed he tried to make me feel guilty by using MY SON! You want to know WHY my mom was so upset? Because her friends - the one I'm living with AND the one that works with my doctor- have been trying to give her advice (that she has been begging for) on how to help me, and what she's doing wrong. She is very angry with them, and according to my step dad, she feels like they are "attacking" her. I'm like... uh.. .she ASKED to hear the truth.

After speaking with both of her friends she called me Friday morning three times- and then left a voicemail crying saying how sorry she was that she hasn't been there for me this whole week. She said she was busy working, but she's not at work today. I mean she was crying hysterically saying how sorry she was, and to please forgive her. She also begged me to please call her back. So I spoke with my DR about it, and he told me he still doesn't want me speaking with her. I told him that I would like to at least let her know what's going on. So, he suggested I called her to let her know to give me space and that when I'm ready to talk then I"ll give her a call.

So I waited until I got home from my appointmetn to call her. Well her phone was shut off, so I tried the house phone. My grandma picked up and said she had gone out to run errands and that she would have her call me when she got home. She had also mentioned that she would be home in a couple of minutes. She didn't end up calling me back until 3:30pm.. this was 10:30am. The whole time I was just fuming. At first I felt that she was going to make me a priority- ya know? So, I felt a little bit better towards her, but for her to just take her sweet time with calling me back just pissed me off. So, she calls and asked "hows it going?" I told her, "not good," and went on saying how I had a lot of anger towards her and dad. I also mentioned how I figured out what has been wrong with me for the past 16 years, and how good it feels to know. She asked what.. so I told her the truth, "because of the abuse that was inflicted on me by you and dad." I then tried to tell her that I have a lot of emotions running through me and that I need time to place them together so that I can have a conversation with her... instead she absolutely freaks out on me telling me she did her best, and that she didn't "abuse" me. So I said, "no mom you really didn't, you just ignored everything, and with that, that's neglect which I believe is abuse." She procceeded to go off on me telling me that she is not responsible for the decision's I have made as an adult. I mean literally going off on me saying that she would not be held responsible- blah, blah, blah. I kept asking her what she was talking about? I didn't even mention about blaming any of the decisions I made as an adult on her. Which kind of says, she's guilty about something... Hmm... I WONDER WHAT?! Maybe for being so unsupportive with me raising my own son.

Well, she then asks, "well HOW have I neglected you?" I was like, "well mom, I open up and tell you that I was sexually abused as a child and what a difficult time I was having (this was Tuesday morning), and you hang up quickly because you arrived at work. You didn't call me, text me, nothing all week!" She has ALWAYS been chosing her work, her friends, and her husband over her kids. She then freaks out on me saying she had already apologized for that and that now it was my problem. She then said I don't want to talk to you.. so I said.. That's just fine, and hung up. I haven't heard from her since, but according to my dad and my step dad, she's a mess.

After that conversation I absolutely broke down. I was on my way to work.. once I parked my car I tried to clean myself up.. I walk in and my boss looks at me and says what's wrong. I broke down in front of everyone. I had another panic attack, so one of the ladies rushed to the back and got a nurse. How embarrassing.. I cried pretty damn hard. My boss then let me go home.

Well, I should have just listened to my DR.. I shouldn't have called her.

I then tried calling my step-dad on the way home. I just needed someone to talk to.. family.. and he was all I could think of. So, I call him crying, and I tell him that I just need someone to talk to. The first words that come out of his mouth were, "Well, can't you call your DR?"

Are you fucking kidding me? I have never felt so unloved.


  1. im beginning to see a big correlation in my own life between childhood abuse and first parents. i was taught the world was not safe, that my feelings and safety didnt matter and i survived by pleasing and trying to fix others.i was constantly looking for that love that i became pregnant by a selfish pig. now my daughter is adopted and its been 8 years.i recently recovered a new memory of abuse and i thought i had dealt with the abuse. its all connected. and im pissed off. dont let anyone, even those who claim to love you, drag you through their denial and dysfunction. you can and will get through this and be stronger for it.

  2. You need to follow your Dr's advice stay away from what is toxic to you.If you need to talk to someone call a helpline, a friend but not someone involved in your abuse.It's a tough time but you will get through it with work and time.